I've been carrying around this extra weight for 5 years and i've never been able to find the motivation to do something about it. Sure, i'm unhappy with the way I look, but when it came down to it I'd still rather eat. I've started a diet more times than I can remember, I usually do great for a few weeks and then fall off the wagon into oblivion. Each time I start I tell myself "this time is going to be different", but it never is. I ALWAYS fall into the same traps and self sabotage. So, what makes this time any different?
Back to my kids. I've been fighting the urge to shape up for several weeks (okay, months) now. Always saying "one last indulgence" which would lead to, 2 then 3...and so on. Which of course made me feel guilty, so I'd tell myself "I'll just enjoy one last week of junk and start on Monday". Which of course, one week turned into two, then three...you get the picture. The other night as I lay in bed agonizing over my daughters dental situation (Long story), it brought me to tears. All I ever wanted for her was the best, i don't want her to hurt, or be scared or sad. My kids are my world, and if I could take away all the hurt and sadness they'd ever feel I would. I want to provide everything they need to live long happy lives....and then it hit me, a punch to the gut...don't they deserve the best ME possible? A mother who has energy to keep up, a mom who is happy, a mom who is a good example, a mom who is around to see them grow up? I know that last sentence may seem a little dramatic, but i know I'm not healthy. No matter how much sleep I get I'm always tired, which means I'm often grumpy and irritable and my kids are the ones who suffer. I have pre-hypertension if not full blown hypertension by now, frankly I'm too scared to check ( I had preeclampsia with every pregnancy, and every one of my babies was premature). They way my body reacts to the copious amounts of sugar I eat, I wouldn't be surprised if I were pre-diabetic as well. My insides HURT, my stomach, my liver, my kidneys and scariest of all my heart sometimes.
So I asked myself why. Why in the WORLD would I want to live the rest of my life like this? What example am I setting for my children? I don't want them to be like me. I would be devastated if they grew up and at the age of 26 were as unhealthy as I am. So this time its not just about image and wanting to be skinny and fit in size 6 jeans again. Ok, Id be lying if I told you that's not part of the reason at all. I want to like how i look for myself, my children and my husband. I have ZERO pictures of me with my kids. Asside from our wedding I have ZERO pictures of me period. If I were to die today, my kids would have nothing to remember me by. All because I'm ashamed about how I look. My sweet husband, I know I'm not the person he married. I'm 70lbs heavier and 10 sizes bigger than the person he married and not once has he complained or tried to convince me to lose weight. So yes, it is part of the reason, but only a small part. This time, its mostly about getting healthy and feeling good on the inside. I only have this one body, this one life, so why am I abusing it?
So now you know the why. There is a lot more to my story, why I became this way and I know I'm going to have to deal with that if I ever want this to stick...but that will have to be saved for another day!
